The Trial of Sasuke Uchiha
by tati1
Summary: How Sasuke killed a fangirl. And got away with it. Randomly funny; don't need to be familiar with the anime to get the gist of this little baby.


The Trial of Sasuke Uchiha

By tati1

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Don't even really want it. I'm too busy.

Author's Note: This is a quick, funny little fic. I used Mary Sue since she's a generic character most ficcers are familiar with, and I didn't want to kill a Naruto female for the sake of the trial.

"Sasuke Uchiha," the judge intoned, "you stand accused of the murder of Mary Sue. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty by temporary insanity," replied Sasuke's lawyer. Sasuke himself just stared at the tabletop, looking bored.

"Do you want a trial by judge or jury?" the judge asked. Sasuke stood.

"Judge," he said, and resumed his seat.

*

The witnesses were called, and the evidence presented. There was no doubt that Sasuke had grabbed the nearest heavy object (a stapler) and bludgeoned his secretary to death with it when she asked, "Are you _sure_ Sasuke-kun?" Thus, the judge was understandably baffled as to Sasuke's not guilty plea.

And then Sasuke took the stand.

"You killed her because she was being irritating?" asked the prosecution, looking thrilled at being party to such an open-and-shut case.

"Yes," said Sasuke, clearly bored.

"Couldn't you have just told her to be quiet, or have left the room?" the prosecutor persisted.

"I did," said Sasuke, "every day."

"Couldn't you have fired her?"

"I did," said Sasuke, "my…brother…hired her back, and wouldn't let me fire her again."

"And your brother is?"

"Itachi Uchiha, and he's my boss."

"Was violence really the last resort though?"

"Absolutely," said Sasuke.

"Did you enjoy killing her?"

"Absolutely," said Sasuke. Interestingly enough, his defense attorney was no longer staring helplessly. Apparently, Sasuke had reassured him…somehow.

"No further questions, Your Honor," said the prosecutor, and smugly walked back to his table. Sasuke's attorney stood.

"Redirect, Your Honor?" he asked, rather suspiciously calm for someone who was losing a case rather spectacularly. The judge motioned him to proceed.

"Mr. Uchiha, when you agreed that violence was the only option, could you please elaborate?" Sasuke shrugged.

"The first day on the job, that girl started calling me by my first name, flirted with me constantly, and doodled hearts on all my correspondence."

"How did you react?"

"I told her to knock if off or I'd fire her."

"How did she respond?"  
"She told me not to be such a silly-billy, because she knew I didn't mean it."

"Your response?"

"I fired her."

"Why did your brother hire her back?" Sasuke actually twitched at that, which caught the judge's interest.

"He enjoyed watching her attack me."

"What do you mean by 'attack'?" Sasuke's nostrils flared angrily, and his foot began tapping with agitation.

"She stalked me. She followed me home. She draped herself over me at every single opportunity. She drugged me and tried to rape me. She told everyone – including all of my business associates, friends, family, and my classmates from the first grade – that we were getting married. She claimed to be pregnant with my child. She stole my credit card and claimed I'd given it to her. She bought expensive trips and gifts for herself under my name. She snuck into my house _and_ my bed."

"How horrible," said his attorney sympathetically. "Do you have any witnesses?" Sasuke pointed into the audience, and roughly a dozen people raised their hands.

"I brought all of my coworkers, a few of my friends, one business associate, and my boyfriend."

"Boyfriend? Was Ms. Sue aware you were dating?"

"Yes."

"Did she ever do anything to show she was aware of this?"

"She tried to have him kidnapped," offered Sasuke, and a blonde in the audience nodded vigorously in agreement.

"How did you react to Ms. Sue's…advances?" asked the defense attorney.

"I yelled at her, I threatened her, I shoved her off me," listed Sasuke. "I called the police, but Itachi kept telling them that I didn't really mean it when I said I wanted a restraining order. I actually drugged her and mailed her in a box to Timbuktu a few weeks ago, but Itachi found out and had her returned."

"So killing Ms. Sue was the only way you could get her to leave you alone?" asked his lawyer.

"Probably," said Sasuke.

"When you snapped and harmed Ms. Sue, was it premeditated?"

"No."

"What do you remember?"

"The world went red; I don't even really remember killing her, except when Naruto pulled me off her."

"Naruto is?"

"My boyfriend."

"Do you feel guilty for killing her?"

"No."

"Was Ms. Sue's obsession with you your only exposure to stalking?"

"Objection!" said the prosecutor, grateful for the chance to stall and try to recover his case. "Relevance?"

"Your honor," said Sasuke's lawyer, "I'm establishing precedent to explain the temporary insanity defense. Mr. Uchiha has a long history of people who won't take no for an answer, and it's not surprising that he snapped."

"Continue," said the judge.

"Mr. Uchiha, have you been stalked in the past?"

"Yes."

"By who?"

"Roughly 75% of every female I come into contact with," said Sasuke.

"Are they persistent?"

"Very?"

"How persistent?"

"I move once a month to try and make it harder for them to find me," said Sasuke flatly. "I do not go shopping in open places, and I never go anywhere alone. My friends have organized a bodyguard rotation to head off my fangirls. They don't listen when I yell at them. They think it's cute when I ignore them. I actually tried being nice once, but that didn't work either."

"Can you prove this?" asked his attorney.

"If the judge permits, you can bring in four random females off the street," said Sasuke. "I guarantee they'll probably all start stalking me immediately."

"Objection!" said the prosecutor. "Speculation!" The judge held up a hand to stall him.

"Now, now, counselor," he said, "this is actually rather interesting. I'll grant the request. Mr. Uchiha, you, both counselors, a court officer, the court stenographer and I will all go out to lunch in a public location of my choosing. We'll see what we may see."

*

In the end, they didn't even make it to lunch. Sasuke had barely stepped out of the police van at the mall, judge and entourage in tow, when he was mobbed by at least half-a-dozen females. Three of them stuffed underwear in his pockets, one grabbed him in a hug before being dragged off by her competitors, and they all jabbered at him in high-pitched voices telling him he was their one true love, and wouldn't he please marry them?

The judge had the police cordon off all but one of the girls and told Sasuke to fend her off non-violently (though he had another officer nearby in case things got ugly, and placed a guard on the Staples store next door, which he reflected, meant he probably could have chosen a safer location to test this theory). The girl selected by the judge was named Sakura.

"Sasuke-kun, marry me!" she squealed.

"No," said Sasuke.

"Aw, why not?" she pouted. "Oh, I know! You're waiting for the perfect time to propose! I love you Sasuke-kun, you're so sweet!" Sasuke stared at her for a moment and decided to get it over with.

"I hate you and people like you. Your hair disgusts me; you have bad taste in clothing. You're fat and self-absorbed, and if there wasn't a cop here I'd grab that stapler over there and kill you."

"Don't be silly, Sasuke!" giggled Sakura. "You wouldn't do something like that! We're soulmates!"

"Okay," said the judge, "I'll buy it. Mr. Uchiha, I declare you not guilty by reason of temporary insanity. And I'd like to recommend that you move to a monastery and hide for the rest of your life, or else I'll be seeing you fairly often."

"Hn," Sasuke replied, and shoved Sakura off him again.

Fin.

Author's note – sorry, I didn't really follow proper court procedure, but it would have seriously detracted from this being a quick, funny fic. Please review!


End file.
